Tales From the Glitter Gym – Locker Room Edition

I never thought that I would have enough stories to complete a new edition of Tales From the Glitter Gym just two days after my last post. Then again, I wasn’t expecting to walk into the locker room.

I’m not a shower at the gym guy. For me, it has always been too inefficient. In the time it takes to pack and unpack a gym bag, I can be back home. My mission is to get to the gym, finish lifting, and be out the door within 30 minutes. I only stepped into the locker room area to use the restroom, which is something I try to avoid. You see; the men’s locker room can be a bit creepy.

Yes ladies, behind that locker room door is some creepy behavior. Men have been aware of female locker room behavior since the 1982 documentary Porkys. However, I’m sure most women don’t know what is going on in men’s locker rooms. If you have delightful visions of Brad Pitt snapping a towel on George Clooney’s ass, I’ve got some bad news for you.

Uncle Leo – Locker rooms always have a few old guys who for no apparent reason just walk around nude. I don’t even know if they work out. For all I know they may live in the locker room. And they don’t look like underwear models either. No matter where you go in this country, the old guy walking around nude will always look like a fat version of Uncle Leo from TV’s Seinfeld.

Imagine two or three nude and obese Uncle Leos walking around every men’s locker room across this nation. Frightening. Now I’m sure none of you ladies will ever accidentally step into a men’s locker room.

Nude Shaver – There is always one guy who brings his shaving gear into the gym and straddles up to the sinks for a round of nude shaving. Why this guy doesn’t place a towel around his waist is a mystery. I just want to wash my hands, yet this guy has his twig and berries staring into the mirror. It only gets worse when the nude shaver positions himself by the sink in front of the paper towels or hand dryer. Which leads me to the next locker room tale.

That’s a Hand Dryer! – You may never forget to bring your towel to the gym after hearing this tale. When I entered the locker room, I thought I saw out of the corner of my eye some dude drying his hands at the hand dryer.

When I exited the locker room, I saw what he really was doing.

He was standing on his tip toes and positioning his junk up to the dryer. After leaving the shower, he didn’t have a towel so he was aiming the hand dryer at every part of his wet body. I got the hell out of there before he turned around to dry his backside.


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  1. Oh MAS, I’m having the same issues at the Glitter Gym that I frequent these days.. I’ve taken to not wearing my glasses as I walk around so that I don’t have to see all the locker room “flesh”. I would so prefer that people have all their key areas covered up at all times 😉

  2. Gross! To think I read that while eating my lunch LOL. The old ladies do that at the locker room too! Especially happens after their water aerobics class so I’ve learned to avoid the locker room by the pool. Not sure if people lose their inhibitions when they get old or what but my friends and I have witnessed the locker room scene and swore that we would never do that when we get old or now for that matter!

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