Tales From the Glitter Gym (Original Post)

This was originally written in 2004. It has been moved to this site for archival purposes. If you are easily offended, please read the disclaimer first.

I’m still working out at a glitter gym thanks to a finger injury that doesn’t want to heal. Anyway people always seem to display odd behavior in glitter gyms, this one is no exception. We’ve all heard my tales of pixie bitches that use 5 pieces of equipment at one time and the guy who used the squat rack as a coat hanger. Here are some new tales:

A Bally’s Trainer Teaches the Deadlift

I watched a Bally’s trainer teach some poor guy the Bally’s way to perform a safe deadlift. Imagine your grandpa bending over to pick up a fallen Reader’s Digest and you’ll have some clue how rounded this guy’s back was. As soon as that guy puts any amount of weight on the bar his back will be in agony. The trainer weighed maybe 160 pounds and I seriously doubt he could deadlift the bottle of cologne he was wearing.

May December Love

There is this odd couple that works out together. The girl is probably 25, maybe half Hispanic, a little overweight, and very plain looking. Now with some strength training and a smile this girl could be smoking hot in just a few months. Her man is this creepy looking guy who must be 50. He looks to be wearing some sort of fake hair. Now I’m not one to question Cupid, but a few weeks ago I thought he was assisting her with a crunch situp. Upon closer look they were doing isometric tongue exercises.

Well today I discovered why these 2 people are so happy to paw each other at the gym. They each came in separate cars. Hmm. Perhaps this is an illicit affair and the only place they can meet is Bally’s. Cheaper than a motel!

Meathead MacGyver

Before you hit the free weights or Hammer Strength machines, many novice lifters will use the circuit equipment. You know the machines where you put the pin under the weight plate you wish to lift. One of those machines is a flat bench press. It’s real simple to operate. You put the pin in, lay down, grab the handle, and press the weight up. Well our friend, Meathead MacGyver, stradles the bench standing and starts pulling the weight up. He thinks it’s a shrug machine. Never mind the fact the gym has a full wall of dumbells that no one is using, Meathead MacGyver knows better. I probably wouldn’t have paid attention to him, but he was dropping the weight at the top of each rep.

Dragon Lady

There was this very fit, stunning redhead on some aerobic exercise machine. Unfortunately, she had this huge tattoo that covered her entire back. It looked like some Asian thing, which may have been a dragon. Call me old-fashioned, but in my opinion the only people who look better with tattoos are old war-seasoned Navy guys. And then just a small anchor on the arm. Dragon Lady was busy working out, trying to sculpt a perfect body, but no matter how close to perfection she gets, she will always look like white trash with that tattoo. Why would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley?

Pregnant Situps

I’m no expert on prenatal care, but should a woman in her final trimester be doing weighted crunches? Today I was doing situps next to a very-pregnant woman with this strained look on her face. First I thought about the baby getting squished and then I starting wondering what would happen if this movement caused her to induce pregnancy right then and there. I suppose that since I was the closest person to her in the gym that I might have to help to deliver the baby. Just to be on the safe side, I stopped doing situps and moved the hell away from her. Not to sound cruel, but I only deliver babies on back and biceps day.



Add yours

  1. “what would happen if this movement caused her to induce pregnancy right then and there”.

    Induce pregnancy? I’m thinking that already happened in the privacy of her own home…

    I used to live in Seattle back in the mid to late 70’s. Sure miss it…

  2. @DB – Good point. Probably should have read “induce birth”. 🙂 That story happened at a Ballys Fitness in San Diego.

  3. Whatever you do, don’t fix the “induce pregnancy.” That was the best laugh I’ve had iall week! Thanks! 😀

    Enjoying your blog, by the way.

  4. I think your original problems with these posts started when they were linked by other sites that have a different audience that does not know you. A similar thing happened to Scott Adams, who often writes interesting, provocative posts meant for his readership, who understand his intent. He now uses a disclaimer for such posts. This is the last sentence of the disclaimer.

    “If you quote from this post or link to it, which you are welcome to do, please take responsibility for whatever happens if you mismatch the audience and the content.”

  5. @Jim – Getting attacked by the MetaFilter crowd turned out to be a very fortunate event. It set forth a chain reaction of events that I am still benefiting from. I might do a post on that soon.

  6. There is a guy at my gym I call “The Mayor”. He doesn’t work at the gym, however he is very sociable. He wears really loose cargo pants and work-boots and is pretty well-built. Ironically though, I never see him lifting weights as most of his time is spent walking around the gym with his chest puffed out and walking bow-legged as he checks-up and talks loud to every guy in the gym.

  7. @Thomas – I love giving out gym nicknames. One guy that never seemed to gain any muscle wrote down everything. Every weight, set, time, etc. I christened him The Professor.

  8. Ha! The professor – pretty funny.

    Yeah there is also a girl whom I call “Frankenstein”. She is about 5’10 and has a square-jawed face but these aren’t the reasons for her moniker. The reason for her nickname is because whenever I see her I begin to pray in my head that she doesn’t get on the treadmill (inevitably she will though).

    Her VERY, VERY LOUD stepping motion can be heard and echoes throughout the entire gym. Her running style is akin to how one might expect Herman Munster to run; you have to shout just to talk to people next to you whenever she is running.

  9. There is a guy at my gym who is about 55’ish and has the looks and body of a typical middle-aged white guy. However, I have seen him a couple of times come into the gym with his boyfriends who are much younger mid 20’s and have petit builds for guys. I overheard them talking so I know he is gay, although you can tell by their body language. He looks like Newt Gingrich and his boyfriends look like waifish teenage boys.

    Anywayz, he earned his nickname because I could never figure out his appeal to much younger attractive men until my car was being repaired. I then had to walk to the gym and one day walked by him doing some gardening in front of his house. It looks like Martha Stewart lives there. His house is big and beautiful and perfectly landscaped with a huge driveway and it looks like he also has a pool/hot tub area. I then realized his allure: his playboy-type mansion where the appletinis are always flowing and there’s always a spare speedo; thus he will be forever known to me as “Gay Hefner”.

  10. @Thomas – Funny. You are making me miss the Glitter Gym. 🙂

  11. oh so mean, and oh so funny, don’t worry,
    I get it!

    I have enjoyed reading your blog since discovering it this year!

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