This was originally written in 2004. It has been moved to this site for archival purposes. If you are easily offended, please read the disclaimer first.
I’m still working out at a glitter gym thanks to a finger injury that doesn’t want to heal. Anyway people always seem to display odd behavior in glitter gyms, this one is no exception. We’ve all heard my tales of pixie bitches that use 5 pieces of equipment at one time and the guy who used the squat rack as a coat hanger. Here are some new tales:
A Bally’s Trainer Teaches the Deadlift
I watched a Bally’s trainer teach some poor guy the Bally’s way to perform a safe deadlift. Imagine your grandpa bending over to pick up a fallen Reader’s Digest and you’ll have some clue how rounded this guy’s back was. As soon as that guy puts any amount of weight on the bar his back will be in agony. The trainer weighed maybe 160 pounds and I seriously doubt he could deadlift the bottle of cologne he was wearing.
May December Love
There is this odd couple that works out together. The girl is probably 25, maybe half Hispanic, a little overweight, and very plain looking. Now with some strength training and a smile this girl could be smoking hot in just a few months. Her man is this creepy looking guy who must be 50. He looks to be wearing some sort of fake hair. Now I’m not one to question Cupid, but a few weeks ago I thought he was assisting her with a crunch situp. Upon closer look they were doing isometric tongue exercises.
Well today I discovered why these 2 people are so happy to paw each other at the gym. They each came in separate cars. Hmm. Perhaps this is an illicit affair and the only place they can meet is Bally’s. Cheaper than a motel!
Before you hit the free weights or Hammer Strength machines, many novice lifters will use the circuit equipment. You know the machines where you put the pin under the weight plate you wish to lift. One of those machines is a flat bench press. It’s real simple to operate. You put the pin in, lay down, grab the handle, and press the weight up. Well our friend, Meathead MacGyver, stradles the bench standing and starts pulling the weight up. He thinks it’s a shrug machine. Never mind the fact the gym has a full wall of dumbells that no one is using, Meathead MacGyver knows better. I probably wouldn’t have paid attention to him, but he was dropping the weight at the top of each rep.
There was this very fit, stunning redhead on some aerobic exercise machine. Unfortunately, she had this huge tattoo that covered her entire back. It looked like some Asian thing, which may have been a dragon. Call me old-fashioned, but in my opinion the only people who look better with tattoos are old war-seasoned Navy guys. And then just a small anchor on the arm. Dragon Lady was busy working out, trying to sculpt a perfect body, but no matter how close to perfection she gets, she will always look like white trash with that tattoo. Why would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley?
I’m no expert on prenatal care, but should a woman in her final trimester be doing weighted crunches? Today I was doing situps next to a very-pregnant woman with this strained look on her face. First I thought about the baby getting squished and then I starting wondering what would happen if this movement caused her to induce pregnancy right then and there. I suppose that since I was the closest person to her in the gym that I might have to help to deliver the baby. Just to be on the safe side, I stopped doing situps and moved the hell away from her. Not to sound cruel, but I only deliver babies on back and biceps day.