Tales From the Glitter Gym – The Cold Trainer

Most of the personal trainers in my glitter gym are just awful. Having been in my gym now for six months, I can say that I see almost no improvement in most of the clients they train. There is one trainer who is beyond awful. In June, I wrote about him in the post Intervention at the Glitter Gym.

Anyway our trainer has the old fellow standing on one leg waving a dumb-bell around at the end of an already too long workout. Of course the guy was doing high-reps and facing a mirror. Aggh!!!! But the worst crime the trainer missed was the guy was wearing running shoes and surprise surprise, he was falling forward with every repetition causing his back to round. Remember he is looking at himself in the mirror.

Later I heard another story about this same trainer. One of his clients is lady in her mid-70s. He had her doing a brisk walk on the treadmill when his phone rang. Even though she paid for his time, he turned away from her and took the phone call. While he was chatting up one of his boyz on the phone, the old lady started to lose her balance. Panic poured over her face and she was struggling to keep from flying off the back. She was either unaware or more likely never taught how to perform an emergency stop on a treadmill.

A guy in the free weight room saw what was going on and ran across the gym. He was able to stop the treadmill in time. Meanwhile the clueless trainer was still chatting on the phone. Somehow he managed to keep this client.

Something about this guy always seemed odd to me. No matter what the temperature was inside or outside the gym, he always seemed way overdressed. He is always wearing a cool-looking wool cap and designer New Jersey gangster sweats. Colin Farrell meets the Sopranos. When I went to the Arnold Expo in 2004, I saw quite a few bodybuilders wearing wool caps in their publicity shots. I guess it makes you look bad-ass or more likely hides the premature baldness brought on by steroid abuse.

In my head I named him The Cold Trainer. I would get joy going into the gym wearing shorts and a tank top, walking over to the window and then propping it open. A nice 44 degree breeze blowing across the free weight room. Yeah Buddy!

This week I learned his deep dark secret. His client had to go move his car and this left The Cold Trainer alone for a few minutes. The free weight room was almost empty. The Cold Trainer took off his jacket and did a few reps. And then everything made sense. This guy had the physique of Hank Hill from the cartoon King of the Hill. He had stick arms and a distended belly. This guy made a living telling others what they need to do to get fit, yet he was less fit than most of his clients. And they are 20-30 years older than him. He quickly put his jacket back on before his client returned.

I have renamed The Cold Trainer. His new name is Hank Hill.

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MAS

Critical MAS is the blog for Michael Allen Smith of Seattle, Washington. My interests include traditional food, fitness, economics, and web development.