Tales From the Glitter Gym – Unsafe At Any Speed

Just when I think these personal trainers couldn’t train their clients in a more stupid manner, Hank Hill rises to the challenge and sets the new bar for stupidity.

For those just tuning in, I named one of the trainers at my Glitter Gym Hank Hill, because he has stick arms and a distended belly. He is known for having his clients do ridiculous exercises and for almost killing one of his elderly clients. From Tales From the Glitter Gym – the Cold Trainer:

One of his clients is lady in her mid-70s. He had her doing a brisk walk on the treadmill when his phone rang. Even though she paid for his time, he turned away from her and took the phone call. While he was chatting up one of his boyz on the phone, the old lady started to lose her balance. Panic poured over her face and she was struggling to keep from flying off the back. She was either unaware or more likely never taught how to perform an emergency stop on a treadmill.

A guy in the free weight room saw what was going on and ran across the gym. He was able to stop the treadmill in time. Meanwhile the clueless trainer was still chatting on the phone. Somehow he managed to keep this client.

I figure it is just a matter of time before Hank Hill injures one of his clients. What I didn’t consider was the possibility that he could construct an exercise so unsafe that he could injury his client and a 3rd party at the same time.

I was doing shoulder presses when I heard Hank Hill tell his client, who was a man in his 60s with dreadful posture, to SPRINT down the hall. I must of misheard him. I put the dumbbells down and turned to my right. Oh no! I’m watching an old man sprinting from one end of the free weight room past the treadmills to the front desk. A writer for the Three Stooges couldn’t have dreamed this up.


The path the old man was sprinting down started at the foot of stairs. This is where everyone coming down from the upstairs equipment and locker rooms entered. His path continued past the free weights and the treadmills. At the tail end of his run, there are two more blind entrances. One is from the lobby, the other is where the drinking fountain is located. There were at least five places another member could have walked into the sprinter with little or no notice. By my estimate, the odds of a multi-patron collision were high.

I suppose I should I said something. Either I was in shock or more likely I hoped that this would be the day Hank Hill would get kicked out of the gym. I watched several sprints through the gym, but somehow the Glitter Gym pileup never occurred. Hank Hill lucked out. As much as he unwittingly tries to kill his clients, they somehow survive.

1 Comment

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  1. Ah, jeez. His clients are thankfully a hardy bunch.

    A couple years ago, the trainer-guy (or whatever) who I guess was “prepping” (?) me for a gym I was joining (fat calipers, measurements, etc) took a phone call, and completely forgot about me during the treadmill portion. I was on it for 40 minutes or so, and I think it was supposed to be a five-minute deal to check heart rate.

    I mean, not like I didn’t need the exercise and stuff. And I wasn’t paying him (in which case, I’d’ve been really annoyed). But still =]

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